8th Dec 2011

Yesterday, 8th December 2011, marked a very significant day of my life. The day was pretty fun filled, me and my fellow volunteers had a 4 hours gaming session together at play nation. Then we proceed on to Ang Mo Kio Family Service Centre, Volunteers appreciation nite. I was told that i would be receiving an award so i did dress up a little and tot that it was juz a normal award of maybe long service award. But never did i know, I was given the award of the year! It was titled Volunteer of the Year! I would say that I am super surprise.... there is so so many centre out there, amk, cheng sang, sengkang, and a few others... Not to mention that so many delicated volunteers as well... And I out run all of them and was given the award... It was really a shocking moments... It was indeed a moment that I would not forget for life! It is my first official award and it was such a big one. Of course i would like to delicate this award to all my fellow volunteers would have worked with me for the year. Thank you!

Feeling lost

Nothing is worst then feeling lost... I dun know why but at this very moment my mind turn blank... I am at a very lost... lost in tots... It is just like my heart and brain are taken away... I feel that i have a very very heavy head... very very lost... In all sort of things..

Everyone is sick...

Everyone is sick... Yes everyone...
I am dragging half dead ...
But still got countless tuition to conduct... I really wonder why I work so hard sometimes... For who?
Schedule getting screwed... Everything screwed... it is juz so irratating...

after working so hard at the end of the month i realiase i still have nothing left... no $ no anything... this is getting up my nerves... It is juz so irrating...

Staying Calm....

Thank you for ppl out there that cared for me. I will learn how to love myself more... I will start getting more activite in social life and less activite in family life. I will only wake up when HE is out of the house and return home when he retired to bed. This will minize the amount of friction that is between us.

I will NO longer call him, I will NO longer talk to him. He will be invisible from now on. The only way to treat myself better is to treat him as an invisible person. I will no longer go home after everything is done... Even if i go home i will bath and eat dinner and return to my room as soon as i finished my dinner. I no longer want to talk to him. I would only treat him like my landlord. Someone that I dun know. Since he already changed. He is no longer the family member that i know of.

I know this is going to be unfair to my mummy, but I am at my end... I really don't want to interact with him anymore until he change his attitude. If he does not change his attitude, I would no longer call him. I would no longer acknowledge him. I know in my heart it is a truth that he is related to me and I cannot change this. I own him my life... I will take on the responsiblility, I will supply him with the $ that he always wanted. But I will no longer acknowlege that he is someone that I should pay respect or do work for him. I have had enough of him. It is not my responsibility to be like this. I wished that i can moved out and live on my own... and I know I soon will... Once I am financially independant... I should no longer work on my dream (MOE teaching) ... I should start working on my future... so that I am ready to move out of the house as soon as possible...

So from now on, I will be in my own world. 2 of my best friend will be with me. So the 3 of us will stay strong and make through this period. The 3 ppl are Me, Myself and I... Sad to say that but I think with this few best friends I will be leading a better life. I will start searching for a job. At the same time I would apply for MOE teaching. If i really got to study there, I would be staying in hall. I would not mind travelling from hall to my cca at sengkang but i will return back to hall after that. I would go home but that will be maybe once a month or the most twice. I know only mum will be sad but I have no choice. I would also stop celebrating their birthday for them. No more! But mummy, I will forever rmb yours. I promised.

I really wished I did not exist before

I really wished that I did not exist before in this world. No one know when I am unwell until I seriously cannot make and went to see a doctor... What kind of family is this... Working 12hours a day for 6days a week.... And on the only rest day I still need to entertain the rubbish of you.... You are on your own business and you only work how many hours a day? 9 hours a day i am working under stress condition of result. and the other hours i am working under stressed condition of my student result... I really hope that i can find someone whom i can lean on and cry my heart out...

If it is so difficult for you then why have me in the first place... I should not even exist as I am worthless... In the eyes of my student's parents they tot i saved their child. But I feel so empty so worthless... Do I really worth staying in this world? Am i just someone extra that is wasting the resources? Wasting the food? I feel so worthless...

Maybe going to the other world like my uncle is a better choice... At certain point of time, I feel my heart ache... I really wonder is it heart attack or something serious. I would wonder if it is serious issit it good? cause this world there is nothing that i can't let go. Friends, Parents, Brothers they will live their own life sooner or later... so i am back to the empty shell... the empty shell that is alone. Being alone in this world that i still need to deal with so many stress and worries.. I must well go to the other world there might not have stress.... At least over there ppl who are once a friend rmb me...

How many times i have lapsed into the state of depression how many ppl know.... The answer is zero... I may looked normal but how much i struggled to get through did ur know it? the answer is again no... I dun feel the loved.... No one in this world loved me... so why am i in this world? Should have just take the courage and leap off a building or like others leap into the water... at least i will be in loving memory of others....

But for the time being i won't do anything like that... I need to at least finished the project on hands... TCS Finale and also my students exam.... After everything is settle by the end of the year... I would be free... free to go anywhere i want to... a vacation or find my grandma.... that will be decided when things get settled. Even if i go find my grandma i dun want to trouble anyone... So i will choose a way that will not bring others the trouble.

A wonderful 23rd Birthday

Yesterday, I had a wonderful 23rd birthday! The kids celebrated my birthday with by each drawing or writing a card. Thanks kids! Loved TCS 2011 always!

Hectic week ahead!!!

Well I have survived my iap and I have reached the half way marked of it. Well things are still the same doing some useless stuff but the amount of it is flooding in. So basically less boring for now. But I still like my 6-10pm life more. It includes tuition and volunteering service :D Well ppl are asking me: "Why are you still going volunteering service when you are so busy??" Well my ans are simple... I just want to see them smile. Their smile is worth a million $. Or u can say I enjoy the process of leading and also the process of teaching. :) Being a teacher is my dream job since young. But the road towards MOE was utterly difficult.... Failing to passed my O's level EL is a terrible mistake that blocked me all the way... If I would have passed it during first attempt in yr 2004, I am sure I would not be where I am today. Never did I know that a exam 6 years back are still affecting my life.... Hopefully the next application is feb could bring me more luck.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

The worst mid-autumn festival ever!

I celebrated 23 mid autumn festival ever since birth. I used to enjoyed it so much cause I get to play with fire and sparkers. But this year, it is the worst mid autumn festival in 23 years of my life. On such a wonderful night where family get together and eat moon cake and drink tea while the children get together to have lots of fun...

My beloved uncle left us... Uncle, you might have left us but the memory of you will never fate off. Well yes I get to see all my family members but then... It is juz too much, my grandmother just left us like 4 months ago and now my uncle... 2011 is really a very very very bad year.... T_T

R.I.P Beloved Uncle

This post is to marked the end of my beloved uncle life. He stay so just 2 storey above me and took great care of me since i was young. I still remember staying over at his house was so nice. When i wake up in the morning, Uncle would have already made me my milk or breakfast. So when i was young i used to call him uncle daddy cause he really took great care of me and i really apprieciated all the effort that he put into being part of the most wonderful day in my childhood days.

Uncle, we all know that you have suffered all these years and now finally you are free to go. Please take great care of yourself. The fond memory of you would be forever embedded in my heart. Thank you for all the loved you have shown on me. I Love You. R.I.P

I am Half-way there!!!

This week marked the halfway mark of my intership with Diamler South East Asia Pte Ltd. Well generally work here are still ok. But as usual i still don't like cause there are stupid people around... I am just a student I also won't be there to snatch ur rice bowl... Why can't you treat me nicely? Why must your still poke me on my back? It just does not make any sense can?

Well enough of those sickening people out there... Generally this weekend was kind of fun but at the same time tiring... On sat (as usual), I went to TCS. The number of kids attended the session was so many!!! End up we have a shortage of volunteers. lol... Anyway after TCS, we rushed down vivo city to attend FOC freshman orientation camp! It was so so fun!!! Well the after effect of fun is muscle ache all over... lol i think i am getting old liao... lol should really find some time for regular excercise else my muscles will start aching here and there... lol... okie so much of that i should get back to the boring work liao...

A very very Busy Sept

I am so going to have a super busy sept. Looking at my schedule for sept it seems like i only have 2 days free up till now...

This sat will be FOC orientation camp =) follow by a sunday tuition....
Next Sat will be TCS 1st session with 50% new volunteers. then tuition in the evening...
Next Fri will be TCS meeting. sat will be TCS and i am considering going to help out a road show but it is my birthday as well... so I wondering should i go...and push my tuition to sun as well.

And there goes my sept weekends....
Hazi... I sometime wondering why i work so hard? Maybe because i dun like to be home... when i am home all i see was mummy busy with Housework that she keeps nagging... and then daddy juz keeps smoking, watching tv and play with mobile game...

Recently, at times i find that i have breathing difficulties... wondering if it is the stress i have been through that keeps me suffocating... Everyone might think that wow... ur time is so packed... But to me it is a kind of enjoyment... Yes, I might be tired with all the work but at times i really enjoyed it... Lets take a look at my normal schedule...

Mon: Work 9-6pm, Tuition 7.15-9.15pm
Tues: Work 9-6pm, Volunteering 7.15-9.15pm
Wed: Work 9-6pm, Tuition / volunteering 7.15-9.15pm
Thurs: Work 9-6pm
Fri: Work 9-6pm, Tuition 7.15-9.15pm
Sat: Volunteering 10-12.30pm, Tuition 2.30-4.30pm
Sun: Free day...

Well if there is no friends gathering/meeting for cca/other important stuff, then i will have 1 free day for myself. Issit it juz great. I know some ppl might say it is stupid... if i am so sian why do i still do volunteering work? it is juz so zz.... Anyway, I think i lead a life that is very packed and very happy that I can lead this kind of life. Yes, no doubt it can be tiring but the enjoyment is also great. I always feel proud to tell ppl hey i am doing volunteer work, wanna join me?

Week 10 Day 2

Well well well... It has been 10 weeks since i start my internship with this german mnc. Well overall life in my department is 1 word: Slack... Well this can be both good and bad. Good: slacking at work and getting paid. Bad: My poor report will be super thin...

However, i dun like the people here. People in cetain department is just so brainless... as i was sending out email for asking them to sign attached so that we can replace their old laptop. It is juz super stupid they go one big round and started asking people to brief me what the laptop is used for. Why the hell i need to know how u use ur laptop u throw on the floor i also don't care! I just want u to sign and return the form to me... Freak right?

Anyway work here is rather sian... repeating the same thing again and again and keep seeing more and more stupid ppl having or doing stupid stuff... Well I will not say that i am very very clever but certain things are just common sense... Juz finished a team meeting and it was like OMG so many ppl no sense can be manager... my GM said even a intern knows that when we can account invoice then all of them should be down as she can be a manager... lol I know it is impossible but still it is true! lol

Okie so much of complains, I shall get back to work... i think i will have a very very busy month....

Interns are the most miserable ppl in the world...

Yes! Interns are the most miserable ppl in the whole working industry.... Cause... They are not treated like humans... they are treated like robot. They are just required to work 8 hours a day even if there is no job for them... They must try to act busy cause it is part of their work... They are not allowed to have leave, they are not allow to have public holidays when it falls on sat. WTF is that! Sorry for using the F word... But the freaking company juz dun treat me as a human...

I need to work 8 hours a day and out of that 6 hours are spend stoning... It is juz rubbish... NVM about that and in 5 months of work they expect no leave and no PH! It is juz so freaking stupid!!!

arh!!! I am getting more and more upset with the way this mnc works... It is the worst MNC. They dun treat their staff well... It is a rubbish mnc... it is juz a sucky mnc... so never ever think that mnc are good cause not all is the case...

Rotting at work

Well.... For the past 2 days at work was totally sucky... Why? Cause there is nothing to do... Hazi... I only send out maybe 4-5 emails everyday and it will be only take at most 2hours of working hours and the other 6hours i spend them on surfing the web and stuff... Well when i find the mood i will do my IAP report... It is so tiring.. but now i am feeling better cause my colleague helpped me to seal up the air con hole with masking tape and my seat now are more comfi... Thanks!

However, I still feel very boring... I dun know why too!!! Last time i work at ADC as project executive, I also work in a desk bounded environ but I was much happier working there... Why??? I also not sure... I hope i can find back why i like the job and put it into my current job... Cause when i like a job, i can work on it 24/7 and yet feel happy... but now i only spend 8hours per day and 5 day per week and i am sicked and tired of my job liao... what can i do to make life more interesting?? Hazi... I rather have a busy work scope that i can constantly work on rather than to act busy.... which is not what i want to... Hazi....

Wish me good luck!

Well... Why do i need luck? Cause i am going for Post Grad Dip in Edu program interview this coming thus 11Aug. I really hope that i can get in. It is a track that i always want to go =)

Well... I wanted to go into teaching cause i have the passion to teach. I like to see the children/teenager grow from no where to they listen to me and advance in their studies.

I read the forum that the interviewer are generally fine. but the qn they ask will be very hard... lol

Week 4 Day 2

I am once again declared to have lost to the Flu Bug in the office... after (3X5)+1 = 16days....

I really dun understand... Am i really that weak that i will 100% suffer from the Flu Bug when i am working in air-con area about 7-8hours a day??? When i was in poly, 10 weeks IAP and I suffer from flu bug 2 times... this time round 22 weeks IAP what should I do?? Anyway to keep the Flu bugs away??? Yesterday, I felt tired... Today, I am not feeling that tired but I am offically declared down with Flu... Well hopefully it is a come and go and it will be okie by tml... But from my past few years Flu experience, the chances of that happening is only 20%. Well but there is still hope and hopefully can recover really soon... I am drinking the chinese flu medication and i am going to wack the clarinese later... I am so going to wastons later to get my medication... GOD, you either get me really ill that i can skip work with MC or you make me recover really really soon...

Another thing that pissed me is my bf. He said he wants to quit school cause his work is very busy with his work... I really want to know did he even think of our future... If he dun get his certification, I really dun see the future... My parents are some how not very happy about him not in local uni. So inorder to save the relationship he must really work hard to at least get his degree. If you can't take the harshness now... How can you take the harshness that will come with even higher impact at a later stage of life... Well... I already trash out things with him via msn and ask him to think over it... Hopefully he can really carry on with studies and dun give up too easily... I also put in alot of hard work inorder to reach the last stage of my uni life... So I hope that my partner will be able to do so too... so that next time no matter how tough things is we can tacker them together and i will not be alone in tacking matters.

Hazi... I shall end here and get back to work... although i dun really have the mood to do so... lol

Update! Update! Update!

It has been a while since the last update. Oh well generally was busy as usual and also feeling lazy... lol... Anyway, I shall update from the day i received my final EXAM result from NTU.

I was generally happy with the result overall, I got 3.8 for this semester which is really a high score for me. But it is still not enuff for me to get my 3rd class T_T, I still need to get an A for my IAP. Well, it is not too difficult but it is not too easy as well. Therefore, I will try my very best for the next 22 weeks to get my A. I really hope that I can do it!

Well, then followed by is NTU June Summer Camp. Generally, I was happy cause the event was a success! My centre has the most participants for both days =D and all the kids and teenager that went for the camp enjoyed themselves a lot! Well after the 1 month plus of hard work, all the tirdness disappear after seeing all the smiling faces of the kids and teenager and elderly.

Next will be my rotting days at home.. After the June summer camp, I was stucked at home rotting... only went for 2 hours + of tuition each day. Now, I am looking forward to my IAP starting date which is next Monday! Daimler HERE I COME!!!! lol

Exam Result

Well in another 23 hours or so my exam result will be release. Well i am not hoping much for my result, I just pray hard that i can passed all my subject can le... I want to clear all my subject and dun want to add a burden to my daddy. Daddy is getting older and older... Although he is rather irraiting that he is behaving like a kid and the negative stuff that he always says to mummy. I wonder if he knows all that he said was hurtful or not...

Well I just pray that I passed all my subject this semester and daddy de leg recover faster. It really heart broken to see him in pain every night... I buy him a lot of products in hope for his good health...recovery of his leg. Hope that the $80 plus i spend today will make him feel better and he recover faster.

Well other then worrying for my exam result, I am stoning at home and feel like gonna rot already... Just started a new tuition today but the kid was alright but the address was far... lol... But he is my ex-sup de son so what can i do? I feel pai seh if i dun take him in. But i hope that we will see improvment by his ca2 ba. Although i not very keen to teach him all the way from p4 to p6 but still hope he can make improvements.

Hazi... that is about all for now... Back to my count down and drama.

Farewell my beloved grandma

This post is to create memory of my beloved grandma. Although it is only my maternal grandma but i really loved her for what she is... No matter is it the grandma that is healthy and prepare dishes for me when i visit her or is it the grandma that is slightly ill and talk like a children.... I really miss her alot! I was still thinking of every year can cook her favourite pineapple tarts for her every year after year... But never do i know that this year is the first and last year i am going to bake pineapple tarts for her. I really cannot forget the smile she give me when she was happily eating pineapple tarts bake by me.... Grandpa why are you treating me like this.... I prayed that you dun take Grandma away for so many hours... But why are you still bringing her with you....

Grandma please take care and walk well, remember to find Grandpa up there....

Okie, back to yesterday:

I tot that i could study 416 for 1 day and then go down to temple help grandma pray and then go to TTSH find grandma today after my paper.... Who knows my uncle was admitted to TTSH as well due to lungs infection also. so i have to go down to TTSH as they say my uncle condition was very bad and might go anytime...

But i was still happy cause i manage to finish and understand my 416 fully but then... When the doctor call me 15mins before my exam TTSH doctor call me and said that grandma got even more ill overnight and suffer heart attack last night everything seems to fly away from my brain... I was totally blank minded.... I could rmb nothing that i study when i awaits the start of the exam... I was trying to put up a smile infront of everyone so that i will not burst out crying...

To act as if nothing happens... I wanted to join my friends for lunch but my brother call and say grandma is critical so i skipped my lunch and rush to TTSH in a cab. I was there the whole afternoon and tot that the condition was stable and I tot after the last blood presure test i would leave for my tution but then the last blood presure test was bad and i cancel my tuition and stuff and stay with grandma for her last breath.... I know she suffer alot but the grandma i see on monday was still lively and i tricked her to eat just like a big baby... she smile at me and commented that the food is nice making me feel happy too.... But i really missed her now....

R.I.P grandma

Final Semester of Studies in NTU

Well... Time flies... It has been 6 semester since I first step into NTU. It is also my last semester having exam in NTU if everything goes successfully. Well this semester other than project, it is a slightly more relaxing semester for me. As I only took 4 modules and 2 of them are elective, 2 of them are core. The other 2 are elective and both of them i have a interest in it so i think will not score that badly and should be able to secure at least a B in these module of course i am hoping for a A- la... but keeping my finger crossed and hope that everything will go well... Thanks to the YOG2010, Now my Exam clashes with the primary school ones and my CCA have to continue and my tuition also need to continue as a result i really don't know how well can i do it.

Well, at least after this thursday i touch a bit more on my FYP and i am going to relax and start mugging for my Core and hopefully can cover all the topics that have taught for the past 12 weeks in 2 weeks... dots... i know it is abit too rush but hope everything will go well this sem and i need to clear all and thats it! I am off to IAP and finally graduation!!! Which i am really looking forward to it!