Updates

Well... actually nothing much happen in the past 3 months... I am officially stepped down from my position of Centrehead of both TCS and TEC. Well I am still happy to be ex head of TEC as it is improving slowly... But then TCS, I am juz super disappointed. The new head is changing things back to the what the program previously was... I get rid of best attendance award cause i don't want the kid to juz come program and slack but to work hard for the award by adding elements of achievements.. but now it is back to the attendance award as the new head does not do the achievement chart... the new head also replaces the games into weekly rewarding... last thing that i am super disappointed is the newsletter. Last time when i am the head, i did not have sub com or rather i have a group of MIA sub com... in-charged of 2 programs... plus with my final year project and i can still find time to write the newsletter once every 3 month... she still have her sub com to help her to welfare, financial controlling, report writing and events planning... so all she has to do is juz passing the message... I dun understand... why is it so hard to prepare a newsletter... it only took me 1 day to do each copy of newsletter... 

I guess it is juz that everyone standard is different... I am so going to quit soon... I am not going to stay in a lousy ca that is lead by a lousy head.... 

8th Dec 2011

Yesterday, 8th December 2011, marked a very significant day of my life. The day was pretty fun filled, me and my fellow volunteers had a 4 hours gaming session together at play nation. Then we proceed on to Ang Mo Kio Family Service Centre, Volunteers appreciation nite. I was told that i would be receiving an award so i did dress up a little and tot that it was juz a normal award of maybe long service award. But never did i know, I was given the award of the year! It was titled Volunteer of the Year! I would say that I am super surprise.... there is so so many centre out there, amk, cheng sang, sengkang, and a few others... Not to mention that so many delicated volunteers as well... And I out run all of them and was given the award... It was really a shocking moments... It was indeed a moment that I would not forget for life! It is my first official award and it was such a big one. Of course i would like to delicate this award to all my fellow volunteers would have worked with me for the year. Thank you!

Feeling lost

Nothing is worst then feeling lost... I dun know why but at this very moment my mind turn blank... I am at a very lost... lost in tots... It is just like my heart and brain are taken away... I feel that i have a very very heavy head... very very lost... In all sort of things..

Everyone is sick...

Everyone is sick... Yes everyone...
I am dragging half dead ...
But still got countless tuition to conduct... I really wonder why I work so hard sometimes... For who?
Schedule getting screwed... Everything screwed... it is juz so irratating...

after working so hard at the end of the month i realiase i still have nothing left... no $ no anything... this is getting up my nerves... It is juz so irrating...

Staying Calm....

Thank you for ppl out there that cared for me. I will learn how to love myself more... I will start getting more activite in social life and less activite in family life. I will only wake up when HE is out of the house and return home when he retired to bed. This will minize the amount of friction that is between us.

I will NO longer call him, I will NO longer talk to him. He will be invisible from now on. The only way to treat myself better is to treat him as an invisible person. I will no longer go home after everything is done... Even if i go home i will bath and eat dinner and return to my room as soon as i finished my dinner. I no longer want to talk to him. I would only treat him like my landlord. Someone that I dun know. Since he already changed. He is no longer the family member that i know of.

I know this is going to be unfair to my mummy, but I am at my end... I really don't want to interact with him anymore until he change his attitude. If he does not change his attitude, I would no longer call him. I would no longer acknowledge him. I know in my heart it is a truth that he is related to me and I cannot change this. I own him my life... I will take on the responsiblility, I will supply him with the $ that he always wanted. But I will no longer acknowlege that he is someone that I should pay respect or do work for him. I have had enough of him. It is not my responsibility to be like this. I wished that i can moved out and live on my own... and I know I soon will... Once I am financially independant... I should no longer work on my dream (MOE teaching) ... I should start working on my future... so that I am ready to move out of the house as soon as possible...

So from now on, I will be in my own world. 2 of my best friend will be with me. So the 3 of us will stay strong and make through this period. The 3 ppl are Me, Myself and I... Sad to say that but I think with this few best friends I will be leading a better life. I will start searching for a job. At the same time I would apply for MOE teaching. If i really got to study there, I would be staying in hall. I would not mind travelling from hall to my cca at sengkang but i will return back to hall after that. I would go home but that will be maybe once a month or the most twice. I know only mum will be sad but I have no choice. I would also stop celebrating their birthday for them. No more! But mummy, I will forever rmb yours. I promised.

I really wished I did not exist before

I really wished that I did not exist before in this world. No one know when I am unwell until I seriously cannot make and went to see a doctor... What kind of family is this... Working 12hours a day for 6days a week.... And on the only rest day I still need to entertain the rubbish of you.... You are on your own business and you only work how many hours a day? 9 hours a day i am working under stress condition of result. and the other hours i am working under stressed condition of my student result... I really hope that i can find someone whom i can lean on and cry my heart out...

If it is so difficult for you then why have me in the first place... I should not even exist as I am worthless... In the eyes of my student's parents they tot i saved their child. But I feel so empty so worthless... Do I really worth staying in this world? Am i just someone extra that is wasting the resources? Wasting the food? I feel so worthless...

Maybe going to the other world like my uncle is a better choice... At certain point of time, I feel my heart ache... I really wonder is it heart attack or something serious. I would wonder if it is serious issit it good? cause this world there is nothing that i can't let go. Friends, Parents, Brothers they will live their own life sooner or later... so i am back to the empty shell... the empty shell that is alone. Being alone in this world that i still need to deal with so many stress and worries.. I must well go to the other world there might not have stress.... At least over there ppl who are once a friend rmb me...

How many times i have lapsed into the state of depression how many ppl know.... The answer is zero... I may looked normal but how much i struggled to get through did ur know it? the answer is again no... I dun feel the loved.... No one in this world loved me... so why am i in this world? Should have just take the courage and leap off a building or like others leap into the water... at least i will be in loving memory of others....

But for the time being i won't do anything like that... I need to at least finished the project on hands... TCS Finale and also my students exam.... After everything is settle by the end of the year... I would be free... free to go anywhere i want to... a vacation or find my grandma.... that will be decided when things get settled. Even if i go find my grandma i dun want to trouble anyone... So i will choose a way that will not bring others the trouble.

A wonderful 23rd Birthday

Yesterday, I had a wonderful 23rd birthday! The kids celebrated my birthday with by each drawing or writing a card. Thanks kids! Loved TCS 2011 always!