Staying Calm....

Thank you for ppl out there that cared for me. I will learn how to love myself more... I will start getting more activite in social life and less activite in family life. I will only wake up when HE is out of the house and return home when he retired to bed. This will minize the amount of friction that is between us.

I will NO longer call him, I will NO longer talk to him. He will be invisible from now on. The only way to treat myself better is to treat him as an invisible person. I will no longer go home after everything is done... Even if i go home i will bath and eat dinner and return to my room as soon as i finished my dinner. I no longer want to talk to him. I would only treat him like my landlord. Someone that I dun know. Since he already changed. He is no longer the family member that i know of.

I know this is going to be unfair to my mummy, but I am at my end... I really don't want to interact with him anymore until he change his attitude. If he does not change his attitude, I would no longer call him. I would no longer acknowledge him. I know in my heart it is a truth that he is related to me and I cannot change this. I own him my life... I will take on the responsiblility, I will supply him with the $ that he always wanted. But I will no longer acknowlege that he is someone that I should pay respect or do work for him. I have had enough of him. It is not my responsibility to be like this. I wished that i can moved out and live on my own... and I know I soon will... Once I am financially independant... I should no longer work on my dream (MOE teaching) ... I should start working on my future... so that I am ready to move out of the house as soon as possible...

So from now on, I will be in my own world. 2 of my best friend will be with me. So the 3 of us will stay strong and make through this period. The 3 ppl are Me, Myself and I... Sad to say that but I think with this few best friends I will be leading a better life. I will start searching for a job. At the same time I would apply for MOE teaching. If i really got to study there, I would be staying in hall. I would not mind travelling from hall to my cca at sengkang but i will return back to hall after that. I would go home but that will be maybe once a month or the most twice. I know only mum will be sad but I have no choice. I would also stop celebrating their birthday for them. No more! But mummy, I will forever rmb yours. I promised.

I really wished I did not exist before

I really wished that I did not exist before in this world. No one know when I am unwell until I seriously cannot make and went to see a doctor... What kind of family is this... Working 12hours a day for 6days a week.... And on the only rest day I still need to entertain the rubbish of you.... You are on your own business and you only work how many hours a day? 9 hours a day i am working under stress condition of result. and the other hours i am working under stressed condition of my student result... I really hope that i can find someone whom i can lean on and cry my heart out...

If it is so difficult for you then why have me in the first place... I should not even exist as I am worthless... In the eyes of my student's parents they tot i saved their child. But I feel so empty so worthless... Do I really worth staying in this world? Am i just someone extra that is wasting the resources? Wasting the food? I feel so worthless...

Maybe going to the other world like my uncle is a better choice... At certain point of time, I feel my heart ache... I really wonder is it heart attack or something serious. I would wonder if it is serious issit it good? cause this world there is nothing that i can't let go. Friends, Parents, Brothers they will live their own life sooner or later... so i am back to the empty shell... the empty shell that is alone. Being alone in this world that i still need to deal with so many stress and worries.. I must well go to the other world there might not have stress.... At least over there ppl who are once a friend rmb me...

How many times i have lapsed into the state of depression how many ppl know.... The answer is zero... I may looked normal but how much i struggled to get through did ur know it? the answer is again no... I dun feel the loved.... No one in this world loved me... so why am i in this world? Should have just take the courage and leap off a building or like others leap into the water... at least i will be in loving memory of others....

But for the time being i won't do anything like that... I need to at least finished the project on hands... TCS Finale and also my students exam.... After everything is settle by the end of the year... I would be free... free to go anywhere i want to... a vacation or find my grandma.... that will be decided when things get settled. Even if i go find my grandma i dun want to trouble anyone... So i will choose a way that will not bring others the trouble.

A wonderful 23rd Birthday

Yesterday, I had a wonderful 23rd birthday! The kids celebrated my birthday with by each drawing or writing a card. Thanks kids! Loved TCS 2011 always!

Hectic week ahead!!!

Well I have survived my iap and I have reached the half way marked of it. Well things are still the same doing some useless stuff but the amount of it is flooding in. So basically less boring for now. But I still like my 6-10pm life more. It includes tuition and volunteering service :D Well ppl are asking me: "Why are you still going volunteering service when you are so busy??" Well my ans are simple... I just want to see them smile. Their smile is worth a million $. Or u can say I enjoy the process of leading and also the process of teaching. :) Being a teacher is my dream job since young. But the road towards MOE was utterly difficult.... Failing to passed my O's level EL is a terrible mistake that blocked me all the way... If I would have passed it during first attempt in yr 2004, I am sure I would not be where I am today. Never did I know that a exam 6 years back are still affecting my life.... Hopefully the next application is feb could bring me more luck.

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The worst mid-autumn festival ever!

I celebrated 23 mid autumn festival ever since birth. I used to enjoyed it so much cause I get to play with fire and sparkers. But this year, it is the worst mid autumn festival in 23 years of my life. On such a wonderful night where family get together and eat moon cake and drink tea while the children get together to have lots of fun...

My beloved uncle left us... Uncle, you might have left us but the memory of you will never fate off. Well yes I get to see all my family members but then... It is juz too much, my grandmother just left us like 4 months ago and now my uncle... 2011 is really a very very very bad year.... T_T

R.I.P Beloved Uncle

This post is to marked the end of my beloved uncle life. He stay so just 2 storey above me and took great care of me since i was young. I still remember staying over at his house was so nice. When i wake up in the morning, Uncle would have already made me my milk or breakfast. So when i was young i used to call him uncle daddy cause he really took great care of me and i really apprieciated all the effort that he put into being part of the most wonderful day in my childhood days.

Uncle, we all know that you have suffered all these years and now finally you are free to go. Please take great care of yourself. The fond memory of you would be forever embedded in my heart. Thank you for all the loved you have shown on me. I Love You. R.I.P

I am Half-way there!!!

This week marked the halfway mark of my intership with Diamler South East Asia Pte Ltd. Well generally work here are still ok. But as usual i still don't like cause there are stupid people around... I am just a student I also won't be there to snatch ur rice bowl... Why can't you treat me nicely? Why must your still poke me on my back? It just does not make any sense can?

Well enough of those sickening people out there... Generally this weekend was kind of fun but at the same time tiring... On sat (as usual), I went to TCS. The number of kids attended the session was so many!!! End up we have a shortage of volunteers. lol... Anyway after TCS, we rushed down vivo city to attend FOC freshman orientation camp! It was so so fun!!! Well the after effect of fun is muscle ache all over... lol i think i am getting old liao... lol should really find some time for regular excercise else my muscles will start aching here and there... lol... okie so much of that i should get back to the boring work liao...

A very very Busy Sept

I am so going to have a super busy sept. Looking at my schedule for sept it seems like i only have 2 days free up till now...

This sat will be FOC orientation camp =) follow by a sunday tuition....
Next Sat will be TCS 1st session with 50% new volunteers. then tuition in the evening...
Next Fri will be TCS meeting. sat will be TCS and i am considering going to help out a road show but it is my birthday as well... so I wondering should i go...and push my tuition to sun as well.

And there goes my sept weekends....
Hazi... I sometime wondering why i work so hard? Maybe because i dun like to be home... when i am home all i see was mummy busy with Housework that she keeps nagging... and then daddy juz keeps smoking, watching tv and play with mobile game...

Recently, at times i find that i have breathing difficulties... wondering if it is the stress i have been through that keeps me suffocating... Everyone might think that wow... ur time is so packed... But to me it is a kind of enjoyment... Yes, I might be tired with all the work but at times i really enjoyed it... Lets take a look at my normal schedule...

Mon: Work 9-6pm, Tuition 7.15-9.15pm
Tues: Work 9-6pm, Volunteering 7.15-9.15pm
Wed: Work 9-6pm, Tuition / volunteering 7.15-9.15pm
Thurs: Work 9-6pm
Fri: Work 9-6pm, Tuition 7.15-9.15pm
Sat: Volunteering 10-12.30pm, Tuition 2.30-4.30pm
Sun: Free day...

Well if there is no friends gathering/meeting for cca/other important stuff, then i will have 1 free day for myself. Issit it juz great. I know some ppl might say it is stupid... if i am so sian why do i still do volunteering work? it is juz so zz.... Anyway, I think i lead a life that is very packed and very happy that I can lead this kind of life. Yes, no doubt it can be tiring but the enjoyment is also great. I always feel proud to tell ppl hey i am doing volunteer work, wanna join me?

Week 10 Day 2

Well well well... It has been 10 weeks since i start my internship with this german mnc. Well overall life in my department is 1 word: Slack... Well this can be both good and bad. Good: slacking at work and getting paid. Bad: My poor report will be super thin...

However, i dun like the people here. People in cetain department is just so brainless... as i was sending out email for asking them to sign attached so that we can replace their old laptop. It is juz super stupid they go one big round and started asking people to brief me what the laptop is used for. Why the hell i need to know how u use ur laptop u throw on the floor i also don't care! I just want u to sign and return the form to me... Freak right?

Anyway work here is rather sian... repeating the same thing again and again and keep seeing more and more stupid ppl having or doing stupid stuff... Well I will not say that i am very very clever but certain things are just common sense... Juz finished a team meeting and it was like OMG so many ppl no sense can be manager... my GM said even a intern knows that when we can account invoice then all of them should be down as she can be a manager... lol I know it is impossible but still it is true! lol

Okie so much of complains, I shall get back to work... i think i will have a very very busy month....